Divorce Mediation: A Different Approach

Mediation: A Sensible and Effective Alternative to Expensive Divorce Litigation

Lori A. Grover is an American Center for Conflict Resolution Institute (ACCRI) ® trained Mediator specializing in Divorce and Family Conflict Resolution and a member of the National Association of Certified Mediators.

“Understanding conflict is the first step in effectively moving beyond it in order to resolve it. Most individuals act entirely from an emotional standpoint when faced with conflict‚ prohibiting them from separating the people from the problem.”

“Human beings have a number of basic psychological needs; security and safety, effectiveness and control, positive identity and self-esteem, positive connection and trust in others, autonomy and self-trust and comprehension of reality or world view. When any of these basic needs are unmet and conflict exists at the same time, inappropriate behaviors and actions typically surface to protect one’s self.”

• What is Divorce Mediation?

• Mediation‚ also known as Alternative Dispute Resolution‚ is a voluntary process in which couples participate cooperatively with a neutral‚ or Mediator‚ to communicate effectively‚ define issues‚ gather and analyze information‚ generate alternatives‚ explore consequences and reach agreements that are acceptable to both parties.

  
  

• Why Choose Mediation?

• Mediation allows a couple to find acceptable solutions to their dispute(s) while they maintain control of the decision making process. Couples can move at a pace that’s comfortable for them and explore all the possible alternatives and options before coming to an agreement.
  
  Most divorces become complex when emotions supersede the importance of making well thought out decisions. This adversarial approach depletes assets‚ fractures family relationships‚ jeopardizes employment‚ and turns a great measure of control over to Attorneys and Judges to decide a families’ future.

  
  

• What are the Benefits of Mediation?

• Mediation has many important and powerful benefits.
  
       • A Mediator will look out for the best interests of both parties.
  
      • The reduction of overall legal fees.
  
       • Less conflict which helps preserve the post–divorce relationship especially where children are involved.
  
       • The arrival at an agreement that both parties are satisfied with and are much more likely to honor.
  
       • The ability to explore and negotiate in a cooperative environment.
  
       • Keeping emotions out of financial decisions.
  
       • Privacy and confidentiality.
  
       • Mediation greatly reduces the potential for a long, expensive, adversarial divorce.
  
       • The Parties better understand the benefits and consequences of each decision.

  
  

• When should Mediation be started?

• Mediation can be started before or after you separate; however it is advised that couples begin the process prior to separation so that the Mediator can help facilitate sound decisions‚ avoiding potential mistakes. Making agreed upon decisions regarding parenting and financial responsibilities before separation will help prevent a variety of potential problems‚ reducing the likelihood of additional conflict arising after the parties separate.

  
  

• Can anyone divorcing use Mediation?

• In most cases the answer is yes. Mediation is an effective method for couples who have decided to divorce or separate in addition to those who are already divorced but find themselves facing an issue that requires an adjustment from their existing agreement. Mediation can be used by couples with a high level of agreement as well as those who need the Mediator’s skills and assistance to help them resolve their dispute(s). Mediation is not always viable in cases where physical, emotional or sexual abuse exist.

  
  

• When should Mediation not be considered?

• Mediation is effective in more cases than you might imagine. However‚ since it is a process that requires a level of participation by all parties‚ it may not be appropriate for anyone who fears violence or retribution or‚ if either party fears being able to speak their mind openly and freely without harm. Mediation can be effective in both high and low conflict situations‚ however caution should be exercised if choosing mediation where domestic violence and/or substance abuse exists.

  
  

• Does Mediation really work?

• Mediation not only helps a couple resolve disputes and come to an acceptable agreement but one note of particular interest is that it can be successful in reshaping a couple’s overall ability to communicate‚ allowing them to effectively work out any future disputes that may arise with ease and understanding.
  
  Mediation‚ before or during a divorce‚ results in agreements that are viewed as fair and tend to be honored far longer than litigated or court mandated decisions. In some states‚ Mediation is becoming much more routinely used in the courts. For example‚ the courts of the U.S. State of Florida alone now refer approximately 150‚000 cases per year to mediation rather than having the parties fight out their disputes in trials.

  
  

• How does Mediation affect children?

• Statistics indicate that over one million children are affected annually by their parents’ divorce. Family mediation supporters argue that the adjustment of these children is greatly enhanced when parents mediate rather than litigate. Several states including California‚ Minnesota and Kansas require parents to mediate child custody issues. Children are positively affected indirectly by Mediation through their parents since mediation utilizes a cooperative‚ voluntary‚ peaceful approach. Parents are less stressed and angry and feel more optimistic about the outcome as opposed to the anxiety that surrounds a legal battle. When children observe their parents working cooperatively during a divorce‚ it invokes far less stress on their adjustment to divorce.

  
  

• How is a Mediated divorce different than using lawyers?

• In a mediated divorce you and your spouse control the process and the outcome. The agreements you make are based on what supports you and your family best. In summary‚ you control the decisions‚ the agreements‚ the costs and the time frame.

  
  

• Do I still need a lawyer?

• It is recommended that the parties have independent legal counsel to review the Memorandum of Agreement (the final agreement between you and your spouse which is prepared by the Mediator for review by an attorney). Some individuals choose to have legal counsel to answer legal questions that go beyond the scope of practice of a Mediator. An attorney will also be able to process the necessary Divorce Court paperwork. A team approach between the parties, attorneys and the Mediator insures that the agreement made between the parties will be final.

  
  

• Can we still mediate if we have lawyers?

• Mediation is a vehicle that allows couples an alternative to solving their disputes outside of the legal process. Many individuals who have attorneys will incorporate a Mediator to assist them in resolving a dispute because it is typically more effective in resolving the issue in a quicker‚ more cooperative and less adversarial manner. If you already have an attorney, s/he can be helpful in answering legal questions that may arise during the mediation‚ making it even more financially and emotionally beneficial to all parties.

  
  

• How long is the Mediation process?

• The length of time mediation continues is almost exclusively determined by the parties and is dictated by (a) the number of issues that need to be resolved‚ (b) each party’s level of cooperation to negotiate and agree‚ (c) the amount of collateral information or data that needs to be reviewed with the mediator.

  
  

• How much does Mediation cost?

• During the initial consultation with a mediator‚ they will explain the mediation process to you and your spouse and provide you with an opportunity to have your questions answered. At that time‚ mediation fees will also be discussed. Mediator fees vary slightly based on the Mediator’s credentials. Mediators who have specialized financial knowledge‚ for example‚ may charge a slightly higher rate because of their additional expertise which is quite relevant to divorce.
  
  However‚ it is important to note that a Mediator that has knowledge and experience in other areas relating to divorce are well worth the investment because it will not only save the couple time but also the potential of consultation fees with other experts to obtain the same information the Mediator could supply.

  
  

• What if Mediation doesn’t work?

• Even if all issues are not resolved through Mediation‚ it would be unusual if many of them were not. Even if some issues are left unresolved after Mediation‚ their exposure to the expense of going to court is greatly reduced. When the Mediation process has gone as far as it can with the parties‚ they can then work through their Attorneys to settle the remainder‚ if they so desire.