When Divorce Happens Over 40
© 2008 By Lori A. Grover‚ N.C.P.M.‚ President‚ and Kevin J. Grover‚ Vice President‚ Divorce Resource Center of RI.
The challenges of exhausted‚ working single moms‚ and stressed out 'Disney' dads are a familar part of everyday life for the recently divorced adult couple with children. We all know someone fitting that description‚ don’t we?
But we would argue that the toughest road is travelled by those in their fourties‚ fifties and even sixties who are divorcing because even though divorce is a challenging‚ even life altering event no matter what the age‚ couples who divorce later in life grapple with a far greater and more complex set of problems than a younger couple would. These problems can affect their adult children‚ their financial security, employment and especially retirement age issues and if left unattended or mishandled during the divorce it can leave the parties in a tailspin that thay may never pull out of.
Coping With A Divorce Later In Life
The Divorce of a mature couple is likely to effect financial‚ emotional and especially immediate family matters to an even greater degree than usual. Given the length of the marriage and especially age‚ it’s especially important for those who find themselves divorcing later in life to take extra precautions when dealing with this sensitive and difficult process.
The first obvious major difference is in financial matters‚ specifically money and accumulated marital assets. A mature couple has most likely accumulated a larger asset portfolio down through years than a younger couple would have; things such as vacation timeshares‚ stocks and bonds‚ annuities‚ savings accounts‚ 401K retirement plans‚ real estate and pensions which will all need to be addressed in the Marital property settlement agreement during the divorce.
It is important to note that any divorcing couple navigating a financial separation should make every effort to calmly and responsibly discuss the division of their financial assets with their financial advisor‚ as a couple’s willingness to reach a sensible compromise can potentially save them both thousands of dollars in the long run.
The division‚ withdrawal‚ sale or separation of certain kinds of pension and retirement assets is ordered by the Family Court as part of the settlement of the marital estate and is facilitated by a legal mechanism known as a QDRO (pronounced quadro) ‚ or Qualified Domestic Relations Order which eliminates penalties‚ fees and even tax liabilities for one or both of the parties. It’s important to note that there are legal fees involved to process it‚ which customarily are not included in your initial Attorney's retainer fee. The services of a qualified tax advisor or certified financial planner are a must to determine the often complex financial consequences involved with each asset to be divided or dissolved.
The Toll of Divorce On Older Couples
The price older divorcing couples pay is manifested in many ways: Changes in financial stability in addition to the need to dramatically modify existing family and holiday traditions‚ for example‚ can place tremendous stress on emotional and even physical health and play a significant role in inhibiting the beginning of any sort of post-divorce recovery.
Some who divorce at an older age tend to feel very vulnerable and doubtful that they’ll be able to find a job if neccessary at their age‚ and in some instances may feel so dejected that they don’t even want companionship at all‚ let alone trying to find another partner to enjoy the rest of their lives with.
Even if they couldn’t get along with each other for even five minutes‚ we are all ‘creatures of hablt’ and separating from a spouse (and perhaps a home) of twenty‚ thirty or even forty years can seriously erode someone's emotional foundation and well–being‚ which is not only frightening but can lead to depression or even worse
Whatever the reason or combination of reasons for the divorce‚ the process is one that some Psychologists have likened to a death‚ the death of a long standing close relationship with security‚ at least some companionship, and the notion of being settled in life‚ growing old together and enjoying the fruits of your life’s work.
If physical health problems are an issue‚ an additional set of concerns come into play which may intensify the financial security worries‚ especially if either of the individuals is retired or on a fixed income. Then the Divorce quite often spills into the lives of their adult children‚ leaving the at least one of the divorcing parents in the awkward position of having to burden their children financially or otherwise because of their impending divorce.
How Will We Tell The Kids?
Adults as well as children and adolescents can have a difficult time understanding how their parents of twenty‚ thirty or even fourty years could possibly be splitting up. Maybe even more so. Conversely‚ their parents could have an equally as difficult time explaining it.
Adult children of a mature divorcing couple should take extra care to be tactful‚ patient and supportive of both parents equally‚ especially when attempting to get answers to their sensitive‚ difficult questions.
Children of divorcing parents are not trained therapists who are aware of the importance of remaining objective yet supportive and should avoid taking sides if at all possible‚ especially at a time like this.
At some point divorcing parents may need to “lean” on their adult children from time to time for emotional support or even guidance but that will happen when they are ready to ask. It is important to note that we’re offering a divorce where there is no violence or abuse as an example. If these conditions exist‚ obviously well though out intervention with the help of trained professionals or even law enforcement is warranted.
The Divorce of a long established couple in a family affects not only the divorcing parties and their children‚ but even their grandchildren and extended family. We will often suggest that adult children of divorcing parents also seek out counseling services to help them better understand their feelings and the changes these very close family members will be facing. And with children who have become very attached to‚ or are cared for by their Grandparents‚ it's very important for their adjustment process to discuss the impending divorce with the appropriate help in an appropriate way.
A divorce in a family is unsettling and hurts at any age and forces anyone close to adapt to some fairly dramatic family changes. Try to remember that someone close to you is or has been very unhappy‚ probably for longer than you ever knew‚ before you judge and condemn their reasons for wanting to divorce‚ even at a later stage in life. After all‚ parents weren’t always parents and were like any young couple in love at one time. And it really does come down to their relationship first and foremost‚ no one else’s.
